babbling brook

a walrus or a percolator

2009-03-06T22:22:35Z

or else, what?

life has been slowly drifting along, all the while feeling rushed. what is this compression of time, and why do i have a double consciousness of it?

it's been awhile since i've posted here.

let's see.

to begin with, i know how wrong it is to hate someone, and i feel it every time, again, that double consciousness, of both reveling in hatred while feeling irrevocably guilty for hating someone. it's a hard thing. of course i mean jake. i still have so much anger toward him that i just want to lash out any chance i get. i feel so cheated, in a way. i was with someone who could find it in himself to say to me that he couldn't imagine life without me. then, within the course of 3 weeks, he cheats on me, tells me i drove him to do it, that i should have seen this coming, that he "has needs," and then he gets upset with me when i tell him i can't trust him, calls me a big baby, calls me self-righteous, says i'm playing the victim card. and then, to boot, he starts dating someone within a week!

so i feel justified in a lot of my anger, which is why i don't try to fight against it. a lot of times though i find myself wanting to do really juvenile things, and i try to resist those, but sometimes it just seems like so much fun that i can't help myself.

i wish it didn't affect me so much, such that i could just say that i don't care any more, but i do, because i really enjoyed what we had together. i understand that we had issues and that it probably would have ended our relationship eventually, but for him to treat it like this, and then to just shrug his shoulders and start dating the moment after we stopped really hurts me.

and that's the conflict really. i feel as though since i've been hurt, i should hurt him back. and i know that's wrong, but part of me wants to feel that way. another part of me wants for him to be happy, even knowing that he has a defective heart and that he probably will be the same person twenty years that he is now, and knowing how sad that is, i still want for him to be better than he is and to strive toward being a good person, because i think that person is in there somewhere, or else why would i have been with him for nearly three years?

it's just this sudden switch, getting used to a new person who i don't like at all. and by getting used to, i mean getting away from.

ugh, what an awful situation.

hopefully when people say things like "time heals all wounds," it's true.

other than this non-sense, what else?

i'm moving home in june, barring any unforeseen circumstances. i just feel as though i came here to live a dream with someone and now that dream is over, so i'll return to where i know there is love, family, comfort. not to mention my best friend here, meghan, is coming back with me, which makes me excited. it'll be nice to have a part of philly with me in cleveland. i just miss my life so much, and i don't feel as though it's just nostalgia, or yearning for lost things, since i know how different things will be when i go back, but i want to be back there, if even only temporarily.

and i'm going to be living with my crazy grandfather and aunt, both of whom exist in a self-defeating spiral of anger and despair. my aunt has memory/motory problems, such that she can't dial phone numbers, for example, or more generally can't retain information, etc. my grandfather is on a drug for his COPD that makes him irritable, and this creates conflict, since he'll ask my aunt to do something and she'll either forget to do it or not remember how to do it, then he'll start yelling at her, which makes her more flustered and thus more forgetful and self-loathing.

ugh. my mom is convinced i should stay there for at least a year. i'll be lucky if i survive the four months i'm slating myself to be there. and to live in the suburbs again. how disgusting. i don't know how long i'll be able to handle that. no offense to those of you in the suburbs, it's just not my cup of tea.

i've been writing a lot again lately, all to the good. i'm trying to complete enough stuff to submit to a journal my friend is organizing. also, i've been toying with the idea of writing of sort of poetic sequence of "responses" to the work of plato. i'm not sure if i'm going to actually follow through on that, since, as we all know, i have a problem with following through on a lot of ideas i have.

besides that, my cats are adorable, and insane. the other day i had to pull about half of a plastic bag out of one of my cat's throats because she was trying to eat it. but they're cuter than anything i can think of and i can't imagine life without them.

why do bears like swimming pools? not animal bears, well, i guess, let me rephrase... gay bears. every time i see a picture of a group of bears, they're in a swimming pool. weird.

i got to see my favorite poet at a reading a few weeks ago. her name is Lyn Hejinian. you should check her out.

little else has transpired. i went to make a cake the other day but forgot that i'd left my cake pan at work, so i ate nearly half the cake batter, which was a good and bad decision.

whatever.

moving right along.

survey!

2009-01-07T19:53:48Z

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

broke up with someone, knitted a hat, uh, i'm sure there's something else, but whatever

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never make them because I know I will never keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year. though mrs. bierman is preggers. :-D

4. Did anyone close to you die?

sort of. my dad's mom died, but i didn't really like her all that much.

5. What countries did you visit?

uh, none. :-(

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

more compassion.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't remember dates very well. i'll remember when i broke up with jake, and when we got back together, and when i found out he cheated on me, and when i started working at Giovanni's, and when i sat by the delaware river and watched the water, and when i saw obama's face projected on the side of an apartment building, and when i painted my kitchen, and when i got sophie, and when obama won, and the resulting impromptu street party, and lots of other things, the list is endless.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

not starving.

9. What was your biggest failure?

not telling the boss man at PennPIRG to stuff it for putting me out canvassing for the HRC, which they all knew going in that i hated.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

no, luckily i didn't.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

books, books, more books.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

that's hard to say. i think most people did mostly good things for most of the year. so, kudos to everyone i know.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

john mccain

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, food, books, coffee, cigarettes, in that order.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

working at Giovanni's Room, until i started really working... things i figured out how to do with crochet that i would normally have to do with knitting, and i'm still not a big fan of knitting.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowry" by Joanna Newsom

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
eh, still a mix of both

b) thinner or fatter?
thinner

c) richer or poorer?
poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

reading

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

loafing

20. How did you spend Christmas?

sleeping in my apartment with my cats.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

fuck this question.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

this one's a guilty pleasure, but for whatever reason i really like Fringe.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

i don't know that i really hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

i think i read the god of small things by arundhati roy this year, if not, i really enjoyed descartes' bones by someone whose name i cannot remember

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

joanna newsom all over again. stereo total, the cardigans, sufjan stevens, metric, black dice, broken social scene...

26. What did you want and get?

a job, obama as president, a computer

27. What did you want and not get?

no complaints really, except for money, as always

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Milk, by far. amazing

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26 this year (dios mio...) and i worked, oh, and i got locked out of my apartment for a few hours. yay, 26!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not being cheated on

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

shaggy, slummy, ad hoc...

32. What kept you sane?

crocheting

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

obama ;-)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election of course, and prop 8

35. Who did you miss?

Everyone who isn't here with me in Philly.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

i met a lot of great people this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Recognize love as quickly and as deeply as you can when it is around you, because you never know when it will leave you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"There are bats all dissolving in a row
into the wishy-washy dark that cannot let go.
And I cannot let go, so I thank the Lord
and I thank his sword,
though it be mincing up the morning slightly bored.
Mornings without warning like a hole
and i watch you go.
There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road,
there are some dragons who were built to have and hold
and some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumble bees
and they sting so terribly."

life is terribly good

2008-12-19T20:16:34Z

so here's something to stick in your pipe and smoke. i get back to town and a few days go by. jake left some of his shit at my apartment while i was away since he was catsitting. he comes over to get it and we get to talking. he asks me how i'm handling things, so i tell him. i say that i'm upset but if he thinks this is for the best, so be it. and that if he broke up with me just because we hit a dry spell in our sex life, he's the dumbest person alive. he says that the sex issue was part of the reason but that he didn't tell me everything since he was so upset about just that. he felt like we're just veering off in different directions, personally and professionally and that we are both unwilling to change for the other person. i said that i always thought we were different people and had different interests but that wasn't ever a problem before, and that on the things on which we wouldn't compromise we were at least willing to accept that thing about the other person. and i told him that so far as sex goes, he has to understand that we're on radically different schedules and the times he is available for sex are usually the times that i just want to go to bed after a long day.

we talked for a while about many such things, and i won't go into overwhelming detail about it all, but suffice it to say, we are somehow back together, giving it another go. so that's ridiculous. who knows how/when/if it will end this time around, but it's nice. i do love him very much, even taking into consideration all of the enormous problems we seem to have. but then what couples don't have problems? if i broke up with him and started dating someone else, it would be the same shit with a different person. so who can say? who does the saying and why all these terrible, terrible idioms?

in other news, i loved being home. i miss everything so much. i'm still considering moving back. it's all so up in the air. i feel like i could hammer out a life here, but i also feel as though i'd be missing out on a lot back in ohio. i can't tell! it's such a hard choice. but as with most things in life, no decision i make is too terribly permanent.

saw some old faces i'd not seen in what felt like ages. it was good all around and i wish my trip had been longer. i don't know quite what else to say, except that lindsay is pregnant and i love it. and christopher is perhaps the cutest child alive. and emily clark and i are going to open a craft store if i move back. and susan's might be closing... which blows hardcore.

ugh. save me from work. that's another post all together... i need a new job for real and soon.

so here's a fun fact

2008-12-06T01:11:31Z

sorry in advance to danielle. this post is basically a transcript of our conversation.

right now i'm sitting at my brother's house in canal winchester, ohio, a city a little while outside of columbus. i hate it here. there are housing developments everywhere, and it's way overdeveloped, commercial, etc. there are also no sidewalks. there are by the homes, but nowhere by the commercial side of town, which i think is absolutely absurd.

i left philly this morning and am terribly excited to be home. last night was a bit interesting. so, jake and i broke up again. on an episode of seinfeld, someone said that the first breakup of a relationship never takes.

maybe that's true. it's fun to compare real life to sitcoms.

i don't feel too terrible about it this time around. it's one of those strange circumstances, a paradox maybe, where i feel completely surprised and yet knew it would happen. i'm kind of sad but have always already accepted it.

this time, if you couldn't tell, it was he who broke up with me. he and i have always had a conflict about our sex life and it finally reached a point where he couldn't take it anymore. i'm like a dromedary when it comes to sex. i can have sex once every two weeks and be fine. it doesn't even cross my mind that i should be having or should be wanting to have sex. but for jake, if he lived in an ideal world, he would have sex probably, honestly, twice or three times every day. so it's a bit frustrating for him to have had to "slow down" his sex drive to be with me. so he brought it up last night that he was done with depriving himself of sex for our sake, and that my turning down his advances made him feel unwanted and as though he were not sexy. he said that if i didn't want to have sex with him, he'd find someone who does and i would have to deal with it.

he was upset.

somewhat understandably. he said we could have an open relationship if i wanted. but i don't want that. i would be crazy, jealous and paranoid, thinking every night he wasn't with me he'd be with another guy, which i don't want because that's not a good basis for a healthy relationship. and i told him i agreed that it's not fair for him to have to deny himself what he wants just to be with me. we both love each other very much but we just need different things in a relationship. so we decided mutually to call it quits. as a gross misappropriation of T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" attests:

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

and that's why i like(d) jake's and my relationship. we just talk things out and come to a decision through mutual understanding and respect. very usually when we "fought," it wasn't quite a fight but a heated discussion. i think that's good. and it's good that we can still be friends.

but this whole things raises some questions. a lot hinged on our relationship. my staying in philly after the first breakup was because of the job at giovanni's room, which has turned south. then jake and i got back together which became my primary motivation for staying on in philly. i have a job that i don't like, no boyfriend, two friends, one of whom lives at home with her parents most of the time and another who is graduating soon and is moving home to syracuse.

meanwhile, back in ohio, my whole family still lives here, cousins' kids are growing up, monica has christopher, bob and lindsay are going to have a kid, sara and samara are getting married. and i just sit on the other end of a phone and listen to all of these great things and wish i could be home to be a part of.

but on the other hand, i love philadelphia. i love living in the city. there's so much to do, so many interesting things. but then moving home would probably mean i'd end up getting a car, which means paying for gas, paying for insurance, feeling awful about driving again...

ugh. who knows? i still have six months on my lease, which i can't break because breaking leases is bad... so i have some time to think things over, but i do think coming home would be good for at least a little bit. plus it's cheaper rent, which is good.

we'll see. but in any case, that's my life right now, which is awesome.

because my brother did it

2008-09-21T17:16:34Z

You are a
Social Liberal
(90% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(0% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid.com: Free Online Dating
Also : The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

</center>

objet d'art

2008-09-05T19:39:18Z

the older i get, the harder it is to remember why i was ever mad at anyone. it seems impossible to hold a grudge anymore, even if i were to want to.

i like anger, i do, but i no longer enjoy directing it toward petty nonissues or toward people in their faults and shortcomings. everyone is always struggling to better, or if not, then they're simply dumbstruck with the sweetness of being (to borrow joanna newsom's phrase, who is such an amazing artist).

jake and i had a bit of a row last night. these things happen. he thinks i should try to look better, wear clothes that are cute and fit correctly. i say i don't really care about that stuff and he calls me a hypocrite. i suppose it's true. everyone wants to look good, but i just can't imagine why. i don't want to do it intentionally either. i'm wearing this to impress you--not really my style. although i suppose wearing clothing that isn't two sizes too big anymore would make sense, and maybe that's all he means. i just cannot fathom buying clothes for the sole intent of making sure i look good to other people. but i don't think that's his argument.

nothing is very clear anymore. life is like the sky, usually a bit overcast, the light of the sun a bit hidden every now and again.

in any case, let it be. life is good because it's life. at least, that's the bourgeois notion that holds sway. if i were living in sierra leone, i might think a bit differently.

can never say for sure, except for that space that claims itself as mine. all this disparateness, vapid semblances of what composes me, formulaic approach to the self. am i making sense? most likely not.

work, sleep, eat, read, write, sleep, eat, stare blankly at the river.

good times were had by all.

king richard the third walked around thirty minutes after he had his head chopped off.

( . , .)

uh huh...

2008-07-31T17:32:55Z

once again, all i can say is that some people i know are fucking nuts.

nascentvoice @ 2008-06-27T14:34:00

2008-06-27T18:35:20Z

lots of people i know are very crazy. indeed.

i've done this before

2007-10-22T08:26:02Z

i'm doing it again.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=robojerk

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=robojerk

idiot

2007-10-14T08:44:19Z

so i just perused through the first two years of my livejournal account. i probably realized it at some point but i started it as soon as i moved to kent. i read each and every post of 2003 and 2004. what i discovered (and what several people will back me up on, and which makes me surprised they're still my friends) is that i was one pretentious asshole, especially around the time when i was writing poetry/theory stuff. i just finished reading the stuff about my creative writing class and all the people in it. how i said that they would be good writers if they just stopped watching TV, reading pop culture paperbacks, etc. (in other words, if they lived like ME, they'd be good writers).

it's really amazing how you can look back at yourself from just a few years ago and feel like that person is a complete stranger. that's kind of how i feel. i mean i still have, of course, the basic characteristics of that person, my previous self, but i (would like to think that i) have made progress as a person. i don't really make too many assumptions about individuals anymore, or maybe i'm just blind to it. but i feel like, though i by and large indict the culture in which we all live, i don't think i make those same indictments against particular people (unless it is very well deserved). it's like chomsky, who talks about differentiating between a monstrous institution and the individuals in that institution. like slavery, slavery as an institution is horrible, inherently inhuman, but individual slave-owners can be the nicest guys/girls you'll ever hope to meet.

anyway, i just thought i'd write about this a bit since i'm totally floored by all the self-incurred drama and all the intellectual self-flattery. it was such a farce. and now that i'm thinking of it, that was the time in my life when i was depressed all the time and thought i had social anxiety disorder. makes sense. i was creating a reality for myself that simply was not true and expecting myself as well as everyone else to live up to the parameters of that reality. i'm surprised i didn't go completely insane. it was unfair of me to do that not only to myself but to everyone i love.

lindsay, you are vindicated. ;)

i forgot about this

2007-10-14T03:50:26Z

here's something i found in my archived journal entries that needs to be discussed once more. a new audience. this is directly from the ayn rand institute, that most horrid of institutions.

"EARTH DAY is celebrated every year as the symbol of environmentalism. What is environmentalism? Contrary to much popular belief, environmentalism is not a benevolent movement seeking to improve man’s life by cleaning up the air and water. As a doctrine — an “ism” — it is fundamentally an attack on the ideals of Western civilization. Opposed to science, technology, and economic development, environmentalism holds that the non-human has value but the human does not. Environmentalism has become the gravest threat to human survival. Under the guise of advocating clear air and nice treatment to pets, environmentalism aims to retard and then dismantle our industrial/technological society. Environmentalism regards all human productivity and progress as an intrusion on the sanctity of nature and on the “rights” of animals."

i hate ayn rand and everything she ever stood for. even more, i hate the influence she's had on our culture's way of thinking. environmentalism seeks to re-establish our connection with the earth, using our technological innovations and scientific understandings to better the earth, not to harm it. a fundamental critique that environmentalists make is that "the ideals of Western civilization" are, in their current use, harmful to the environment and are putting all life and life-support systems into decline. we believe that technology should be used but only technologies that do not harm the life or life-support systems on Earth. if we develop technologies (as we have) for patterns of destruction, simply to create jobs and help out humanity, how is that in any way rational?

that's what i hate most about ayn rand. she advocates rational self-interest, and to a point, i can agree with that. but wouldn't it be rational to assume that if you damage the life-support systems of the planet because you want to develop technology and science and the economy, then this isn't rational? it's rational to assert that without an environment in which to develop technology and science and industry, one wouldn't be able to develop those things at all because there would be no human life. the people down at the ayn rand institute need to think a little more clearly about what they're saying and what they believe.

stolen from danielle

2007-10-12T01:27:14Z

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 50%
Visual : 50%
Left : 55%
Right : 44%

Josh, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant with a balanced preference for auditory and visual inputs. Because of your "centrist" tendencies, the distinctions between various types of brain usage are somewhat blurred.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor, unless it requires total spontaneity and ability to improvise, your weaker traits. However, you are far from rigid or overcontrolled. You possess a degree of individuality, perceptiveness, and trust in your intuition to function at much more sophisticated levels than most.

Having given sufficient attention to detail, you can readily perceive the larger aspects and implications of a situation or of learning. You are functional and practical, but can blend abstraction and theory into your framework readily.

The equivalence of your auditory and visual learning orientation gives you two equally effective sensory input systems, each with distinctive features. You can process both unidimensionally and multidimen- sionally with equal facility. When needed, you sequence material while at other times you "intake it all" and store it for processing later.

Your natural ability to use your senses is also synthesized in your way of learning. You can be reflective in your approach, absorbing material in a non-aggressive manner, and at other times voracious in seeking out stimulation and experience.

Overall you tend to be somewhat more critical of yourself than is necessary and avoid enjoying life too much because of a sense of duty. You feel somewhat constrained and tend to sometimes restrict your expressiveness. In any given situation, you will opt for the rational, and learning of almost any type should be easy for you. You might need certain ideas explained to you in order to fit them into your scheme of things, but you're at least open to that!

finality

2007-08-24T18:16:44Z

so things in kent, and ohio in general, are almost over. went home to see the kids one last time (bob, lindsay, monica and andrea). felt sad about leaving, but i know it wasn't good-bye. they're too much like family for me to feel like i'm leaving them behind. they're people i know i will always keep in touch with. hung out with sara, samara and kris last night. it was sad to say good-bye to them too, but again, it's one of those things where you know it isn't anywhere near the last time you will see them. no good-bye is forever.

went to the zephyr last night. emily, abi, george, england, reeder, apryl, caroline, scott and sammy hoover were all there. reeder said some very nice things that i will try to remember for the rest of my life. apryl was crying when i left her. everything is wrapping up and it's really sad, almost unbearably so. but i still don't feel as though it's real. it'll hit me in about 24 hours when we're on the road or when we see the apartment.

in other news, things on a more pragmatic level are good for the most part. i think i've got enough money to eke out a life for awhile in philly, a soft cushion to sort of help until i get a job. and my parents have been fabulous in helping me out monetarily, i really appreciate the fact that after all this time and all this money, they're still willing to help. and jake's parents have also been very helpful. they are paying for the uhaul, his dad paid for the security deposit. i mean, he expects us to pay him back later, but he wants us to get set up and secure first before we do. he makes a shit ton of money and so does jake's mom. combined they make somewhere over $100,000 a year, after taxes. compare that to jake's and my combined income and i can see why he'd offer to help.

i graduated! well, not technically yet because i filed the paperwork late (of course). but all the coursework is done and i will get my diploma six to eight weeks after december graduation. final GPA: 2.64. not the best, but considering how many times i fucked up in classes, stopped going, withdrew, etc. i think that's alright. now it's on to bigger and better things, i.e.--full time job (barf!).

my car is still not sold, so i will be giving power of attorney to jake's parents, so that they can sell it. nikki still does not have a new home. it makes me sad to think of leaving her behind, but she pees on everything for any number of reasons (if the litter box has ANYTHING in it, she'll piss and shit all over the place outside the litter box. she'll also pee on things if we're not home enough to pet her). she's such a little princess.

what else? i have no idea. i'm moving! tomorrow!! it's so strange. i'm not quite sure how to feel. everyone who has been to philly say they love it. i love it from what i've experienced of it. i think it will be a good change. excited for the future; yearning for the past. etc.

danielle, i'm sorry i haven't called you back yet. i've been busy packing/good-byeing.

sarai, i'm sorry i never came to visit you in athens. although i hear you're coming up to philly with stewie and ryan for a philosophy conference of some kind. you bet your ass you're crashing at our place.

awesome

2007-08-15T18:08:24Z

is it just me or does Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (responsible for the God Hates Fags epidemic)

look like the dude from Poltergeist?

terrifying resemblance, i'd say.

thievery

2007-08-10T07:37:05Z

If you respond to this post. . . .

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
(if possible. if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me.)
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. If you play, you should post this on yours. Yes, you should.

oh the joys of being a liar

2007-06-27T23:26:43Z

so i just took the eHarmony.com personality profile thing, posing as a woman seeking a man, just to see what kind of straight boy they would try to hook me up with. the damn thing didn't find ANY matches for someone like me! what a joke!

they're homophobic anyway. someone is suing them for discrimination. a woman in california claims that they are violating california's anti-discrimination law covering sexual orientation. i think she's wasting her time. most AD laws cover employment, housing and various other essential social services. i've never heard of such a law covering a privately-funded dating service.

people are dumb in this country.

first update in forever and it's a survey

2007-06-03T05:37:13Z

You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. No. Explaining.
You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. No. Explaining.

1. Where is your cell phone?
::shrugs::

2. Relationship?
yes!

3. Your hair?
licked

4. Work?
barista!

5. Your sister?
matt?

6. Your favorite thing?
books

7. Your dream last night?
none

8. Your favorite drink?
espresso

9. Your dream car?
eco-friendly

10. The room you're in?
basement

11. Your shoes?
vegan

12. Your fears?
spiders

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
34

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend?
jake

15. What you're not good at?
extroversion

16. Muffin?
top

17. One of your wish list items?
books

18. Where you grew up?
ohio

19. The last thing you did?
ate

20. What are you wearing?
clothes

21. What aren't you wearing?
socks

22. Your pet?
kitties!

23. Your computer?
jake's

24. Your life?
interesting

26. Missing?
persons?

27. What are you thinking about right now?
this

28. Your car?
bumper-stickered

29. Your kitchen?
non-existent

30. Your summer?
fun

31. Your favorite color?
cerulean

32. When is the last time you laughed?
recently

33. Last time you cried?
2005

34. School?
finishing

35. Love?
lots

dios mio...

2007-04-06T20:49:11Z

summer classes, as available, are not shaping up to be as opportune as i'd hoped. i have a class in intersession, and two in summer III, which means i have one class immediately when spring semester lets out and the other two from mid-july to mid-august. this complicates things because jake and i need to be in a place in philly by august, which means that we'll probably be paying on an apartment we're not even using yet. and when my semester ends will be cutting it close to when his semester starts, so moving will be a bitch, unless he goes up there awhile beforehand with both of our belongings, furniture, etc. and we "move in" only for me to go back home and finish school.

i swear, if something falls through and i can't graduate by the end of summer semester, i'm just quitting altogether. i've had enough of school. i want out and i want out right now. so... yeah, come august, it's philly or bust. with or without a bachelors... i can always finish while i'm there if it comes to that.

not that i'm saying i'm not going to graduate. as it looks now, everything is pretty much in order and we're good to go. but knowing my dumb luck, i'll get fucked over somehow.

whatever.

global hypocrisy

2007-04-05T06:30:33Z

it's funny/terrifying to me that state-sponsored violence against groups of people is called by various turns of phrase, such as "defending freedom" or "humanitarian intervention," but when a person or group of people commit some act of violence against the state, it's "terrorism" or "islamofascistic terrorism" (i love that one).

i mean, we can take the example of september 11th. the entire American culture agrees that this was through and through a terrorist act. however, if we were to ask people what they thought of the decade long sanctions on iraq during the clinton administration, going hand in hand with the bombing campaign in iraq, they would say that these were some form of punitive measures taken against an oppressive regime. one doesn't worry that there are many countries with government's much like iraq's that the US is not (currently) sanctioning or bombing. one doesn't worry about the fact that the US government has spent the last fifty or so years on campaigns similar to our current occupation of iraq. don't believe me? check out this website.

similarly, israel (largely funded, both financially and militaristically by the US) can bomb a palestinian city, killing fifty people in an apartment building because they had circumstantial evidence that a palestinian who may have been involved in a so-called terrorist organization was there, and this will be called "defense" of one's country, securing our borders, etc. it certainly isn't a form of terrorism. if a palestinian--distraught at the occupation of his or her homeland by the israeli and US governments, and feeling as though there is no recourse available to him or her to resist the oppressive system, to fight against the state violence enacted against his or her people every day--straps a bomb to his or her chest and blows up a chunk of israeli land, he or she is instantaneously seen as a terrorist, as a suicide bomber.

i want to be very careful here about what i'm arguing. i'm not condoning any violence here. i'm not saying one is more correct than another or that someone has more of a place to commit these atrocities than another. what i want to bring attention to is that while there are terrorists in the world, we have to be more critical of who and what is to be included in the definition of that term. the US is just as much a "terrorist" as the saudi (interestingly, the US does quite a bit of business with saudi arabia, even though nearly all of the 9/11 bombers were from that country... and they're not on the list of the "axis of evil." wonder why...) bombers who flew planes into the WTC. israel is just as much a "terrorist" as the palestinians who attack innocent israeli people.

it always amazes me that people in this country are so incredibly patriotic and give me shit for not being head over heels in love with the government/country. if people did a bit of research (and you're not going to find this stuff in the textbooks) on what this country has actually done in the world, how it operates today and where it thinks it's going, i doubt they'd mindlessly slap american flag magnets on the bumpers of their cars. mindless and fervent patriotism (ie-nationalism) is one of the fundamental characteristics of a fascist state. and i've no doubt that america is well on its way to becoming a fascist state. if you read this, you can see emerging trends in american politics that all point in the direction of fascism.

i, for one, am quite concerned about the future of the world, especially since america doesn't seem willing to take its place as another country in the world, but still maintains its position as ruler over all. we single-handedly can veto things in the UN that would do good for the entire world, but since it would mean somewhat bad news for us, it's not a viable option.

let's all start reading more, thinking more, consuming less and questioning everything.

this planet is getting fucking crazy

2007-03-23T02:33:22Z

500 billion text messages had been sent worldwide in 2004. the number has since gone up.

Google gets about 91 million searches a day. all told, search engines get about 213 million searches every day, totalling about 6.4 billion for a month, or 76.8 billion searches a year.

a week's worth of The New York Times contains more information than a person in the 18th century would have come across in an entire lifetime.

this video has more to say about the sad state of affairs in which we live.

bottom line of all this: live a little more simply than you do now. take a walk more than watching TV. eat less. don't go shopping all the time. talk to your loved ones more often, and not about TV shows. spread the love.

barf...

2007-03-22T17:52:40Z

it's so sad to see that some of the columbus street kids have graduated and now have jobs working for some corporate entity. we were all on the same page just a year ago. what the hell happened?

music!!

2007-03-21T02:34:14Z

so i've been listening to a lot of great new music lately. and i do mean a lot. i think my iTunes library has doubled within the last month.

so in an effort to get some more new music, if everyone who reads this could leave a comment with some of their favorite bands. lately i've been into "indie" rock (brian eno, clap your hands, say yeah!, explosions in the sky, animal collective, tv on the radio) and hip hop (common, ugly duckling, pharcyde, blackalicious). stuff along these lines would be wonderful. however, any suggestions will be taken into consideration. most of you that i know personally have great taste in music. so yeah... DO IT!

crazy!

2007-03-20T18:12:57Z

as if i needed something else to boost my ego...

i just had a "conference" with my Texts in Context professor. we talked about my paper for about a minute. she said it was a really fascinating topic and that i didn't have a page limit, whereas all others had about 15 pages to work with. she said that since this topic was something i would more than likely pursue in the future she didn't want to limit what i could say or make me focus too much, so just write however much i want. i also spoke with her about the fact that every time i present a paper in class, everyone just stares at me blankly, whereas when anyone else presents a paper topic in class the whole class goes apeshit talking about the idea. she said she was sorry i felt that way but they probably didn't say anything about my paper topics because i'm "on another level." she said something like "the things you know, the way you look at the world, what you're interested in is just in a completely different place than all the other kids in the class."

we also talked about TV and how we both don't really watch it. that was fun. i was just excited that a professor told me i was really smart. especially if the professor is amazingly smart themselves. so that made my day a little brighter.

in other news, jake was home all last week and it was great to have him here. i love that boy so much. we were talking about how strange it is that within 10 months we have fallen completely in love. i mean, last may, we randomly hooked up one night after talking in depth for about a week. then he hung out with me for a month, then we decided to be boyfriends, then he left for school and now i'm moving in with his parents in a month and we're moving to philadelphia together in august. i just think it's crazy how sudden life changes. but i don't think i'd want it any other way at this point.

um... QLF is falling apart at the seams. no one seems too interested in doing work for it anymore. i'm even falling off the bandwagon. after the domestic violence awareness event only brought in about 7 people (after we'd handed out over 400 fliers, personally, to people, posted about 100 fliers around campus, invited over 200 people on facebook), i really feel like planning another event on a campus so apathetic is just a complete waste of time. so i'll just ride this group out for the next month, get some more legwork done on issues, like the unisex bathrooms or the LGBT library, and then i'm done forever.

at least this will look good on a resume. barf.

funny!

2007-03-18T21:35:59Z

or rather, awesome.

so, in the last post, i told you all about the HRC letter-writing campaign. the article is being published in the Stater next week. metal mikey wants me to talk about whatever i want on a segment for his show, Kent Focus, and i will most likely talk about this. A woman from TV-2 contacted me about the letter and wants to interview me about it to put a segment on the show. This thing really is catching on like wildfire.

i wonder how many people will sign on.

nascentvoice @ 2007-03-11T01:11:00

2007-03-11T06:14:09Z

so the open letter to the Human Rights Campaign that i had posted on here awhile back is on the move. i asked some members of QLF to take it to other liberal-leaning groups on campus and ask them to sign it. so apparently, it got like 20 signatures at the Pride!Kent meeting. the International Socialist Organization, as a group, has signed on. someone from the Daily Kent Stater wants to publish an article about it and have me write the letter in to the Stater for them to publish. People from other schools are hearing about it and want in. so all in all, a letter i thought would garner only about 10 signatures is a school- and region- wide campaign against the HRC.

i'm so fucking excited. next we take on the APA and Gender Identity Disorder! mwa ha ha !