pointless endeavor

or else, what?

life has been slowly drifting along, all the while feeling rushed. what is this compression of time, and why do i have a double consciousness of it?

it's been awhile since i've posted here.

let's see.

to begin with, i know how wrong it is to hate someone, and i feel it every time, again, that double consciousness, of both reveling in hatred while feeling irrevocably guilty for hating someone. it's a hard thing. of course i mean jake. i still have so much anger toward him that i just want to lash out any chance i get. i feel so cheated, in a way. i was with someone who could find it in himself to say to me that he couldn't imagine life without me. then, within the course of 3 weeks, he cheats on me, tells me i drove him to do it, that i should have seen this coming, that he "has needs," and then he gets upset with me when i tell him i can't trust him, calls me a big baby, calls me self-righteous, says i'm playing the victim card. and then, to boot, he starts dating someone within a week!

so i feel justified in a lot of my anger, which is why i don't try to fight against it. a lot of times though i find myself wanting to do really juvenile things, and i try to resist those, but sometimes it just seems like so much fun that i can't help myself.

i wish it didn't affect me so much, such that i could just say that i don't care any more, but i do, because i really enjoyed what we had together. i understand that we had issues and that it probably would have ended our relationship eventually, but for him to treat it like this, and then to just shrug his shoulders and start dating the moment after we stopped really hurts me.

and that's the conflict really. i feel as though since i've been hurt, i should hurt him back. and i know that's wrong, but part of me wants to feel that way. another part of me wants for him to be happy, even knowing that he has a defective heart and that he probably will be the same person twenty years that he is now, and knowing how sad that is, i still want for him to be better than he is and to strive toward being a good person, because i think that person is in there somewhere, or else why would i have been with him for nearly three years?

it's just this sudden switch, getting used to a new person who i don't like at all. and by getting used to, i mean getting away from.

ugh, what an awful situation.

hopefully when people say things like "time heals all wounds," it's true.

other than this non-sense, what else?

i'm moving home in june, barring any unforeseen circumstances. i just feel as though i came here to live a dream with someone and now that dream is over, so i'll return to where i know there is love, family, comfort. not to mention my best friend here, meghan, is coming back with me, which makes me excited. it'll be nice to have a part of philly with me in cleveland. i just miss my life so much, and i don't feel as though it's just nostalgia, or yearning for lost things, since i know how different things will be when i go back, but i want to be back there, if even only temporarily.

and i'm going to be living with my crazy grandfather and aunt, both of whom exist in a self-defeating spiral of anger and despair. my aunt has memory/motory problems, such that she can't dial phone numbers, for example, or more generally can't retain information, etc. my grandfather is on a drug for his COPD that makes him irritable, and this creates conflict, since he'll ask my aunt to do something and she'll either forget to do it or not remember how to do it, then he'll start yelling at her, which makes her more flustered and thus more forgetful and self-loathing.

ugh. my mom is convinced i should stay there for at least a year. i'll be lucky if i survive the four months i'm slating myself to be there. and to live in the suburbs again. how disgusting. i don't know how long i'll be able to handle that. no offense to those of you in the suburbs, it's just not my cup of tea.

i've been writing a lot again lately, all to the good. i'm trying to complete enough stuff to submit to a journal my friend is organizing. also, i've been toying with the idea of writing of sort of poetic sequence of "responses" to the work of plato. i'm not sure if i'm going to actually follow through on that, since, as we all know, i have a problem with following through on a lot of ideas i have.

besides that, my cats are adorable, and insane. the other day i had to pull about half of a plastic bag out of one of my cat's throats because she was trying to eat it. but they're cuter than anything i can think of and i can't imagine life without them.

why do bears like swimming pools? not animal bears, well, i guess, let me rephrase... gay bears. every time i see a picture of a group of bears, they're in a swimming pool. weird.

i got to see my favorite poet at a reading a few weeks ago. her name is Lyn Hejinian. you should check her out.

little else has transpired. i went to make a cake the other day but forgot that i'd left my cake pan at work, so i ate nearly half the cake batter, which was a good and bad decision.

whatever.

moving right along.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

broke up with someone, knitted a hat, uh, i'm sure there's something else, but whatever

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never make them because I know I will never keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year. though mrs. bierman is preggers. :-D

4. Did anyone close to you die?

sort of. my dad's mom died, but i didn't really like her all that much.

5. What countries did you visit?

uh, none. :-(

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

more compassion.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't remember dates very well. i'll remember when i broke up with jake, and when we got back together, and when i found out he cheated on me, and when i started working at Giovanni's, and when i sat by the delaware river and watched the water, and when i saw obama's face projected on the side of an apartment building, and when i painted my kitchen, and when i got sophie, and when obama won, and the resulting impromptu street party, and lots of other things, the list is endless.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

not starving.

9. What was your biggest failure?

not telling the boss man at PennPIRG to stuff it for putting me out canvassing for the HRC, which they all knew going in that i hated.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

no, luckily i didn't.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

books, books, more books.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

that's hard to say. i think most people did mostly good things for most of the year. so, kudos to everyone i know.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

john mccain

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, food, books, coffee, cigarettes, in that order.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

working at Giovanni's Room, until i started really working... things i figured out how to do with crochet that i would normally have to do with knitting, and i'm still not a big fan of knitting.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Clam, Crab, Cockle, Cowry" by Joanna Newsom

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
eh, still a mix of both

b) thinner or fatter?
thinner

c) richer or poorer?
poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

reading

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

loafing

20. How did you spend Christmas?

sleeping in my apartment with my cats.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

fuck this question.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

this one's a guilty pleasure, but for whatever reason i really like Fringe.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

i don't know that i really hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

i think i read the god of small things by arundhati roy this year, if not, i really enjoyed descartes' bones by someone whose name i cannot remember

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

joanna newsom all over again. stereo total, the cardigans, sufjan stevens, metric, black dice, broken social scene...

26. What did you want and get?

a job, obama as president, a computer

27. What did you want and not get?

no complaints really, except for money, as always

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Milk, by far. amazing

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26 this year (dios mio...) and i worked, oh, and i got locked out of my apartment for a few hours. yay, 26!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not being cheated on

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

shaggy, slummy, ad hoc...

32. What kept you sane?

crocheting

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

obama ;-)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election of course, and prop 8

35. Who did you miss?

Everyone who isn't here with me in Philly.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

i met a lot of great people this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Recognize love as quickly and as deeply as you can when it is around you, because you never know when it will leave you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"There are bats all dissolving in a row
into the wishy-washy dark that cannot let go.
And I cannot let go, so I thank the Lord
and I thank his sword,
though it be mincing up the morning slightly bored.
Mornings without warning like a hole
and i watch you go.
There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road,
there are some dragons who were built to have and hold
and some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumble bees
and they sting so terribly."

so here's something to stick in your pipe and smoke. i get back to town and a few days go by. jake left some of his shit at my apartment while i was away since he was catsitting. he comes over to get it and we get to talking. he asks me how i'm handling things, so i tell him. i say that i'm upset but if he thinks this is for the best, so be it. and that if he broke up with me just because we hit a dry spell in our sex life, he's the dumbest person alive. he says that the sex issue was part of the reason but that he didn't tell me everything since he was so upset about just that. he felt like we're just veering off in different directions, personally and professionally and that we are both unwilling to change for the other person. i said that i always thought we were different people and had different interests but that wasn't ever a problem before, and that on the things on which we wouldn't compromise we were at least willing to accept that thing about the other person. and i told him that so far as sex goes, he has to understand that we're on radically different schedules and the times he is available for sex are usually the times that i just want to go to bed after a long day.

we talked for a while about many such things, and i won't go into overwhelming detail about it all, but suffice it to say, we are somehow back together, giving it another go. so that's ridiculous. who knows how/when/if it will end this time around, but it's nice. i do love him very much, even taking into consideration all of the enormous problems we seem to have. but then what couples don't have problems? if i broke up with him and started dating someone else, it would be the same shit with a different person. so who can say? who does the saying and why all these terrible, terrible idioms?

in other news, i loved being home. i miss everything so much. i'm still considering moving back. it's all so up in the air. i feel like i could hammer out a life here, but i also feel as though i'd be missing out on a lot back in ohio. i can't tell! it's such a hard choice. but as with most things in life, no decision i make is too terribly permanent.

saw some old faces i'd not seen in what felt like ages. it was good all around and i wish my trip had been longer. i don't know quite what else to say, except that lindsay is pregnant and i love it. and christopher is perhaps the cutest child alive. and emily clark and i are going to open a craft store if i move back. and susan's might be closing... which blows hardcore.

ugh. save me from work. that's another post all together... i need a new job for real and soon.

sorry in advance to danielle. this post is basically a transcript of our conversation.

right now i'm sitting at my brother's house in canal winchester, ohio, a city a little while outside of columbus. i hate it here. there are housing developments everywhere, and it's way overdeveloped, commercial, etc. there are also no sidewalks. there are by the homes, but nowhere by the commercial side of town, which i think is absolutely absurd.

i left philly this morning and am terribly excited to be home. last night was a bit interesting. so, jake and i broke up again. on an episode of seinfeld, someone said that the first breakup of a relationship never takes.

maybe that's true. it's fun to compare real life to sitcoms.

i don't feel too terrible about it this time around. it's one of those strange circumstances, a paradox maybe, where i feel completely surprised and yet knew it would happen. i'm kind of sad but have always already accepted it.

this time, if you couldn't tell, it was he who broke up with me. he and i have always had a conflict about our sex life and it finally reached a point where he couldn't take it anymore. i'm like a dromedary when it comes to sex. i can have sex once every two weeks and be fine. it doesn't even cross my mind that i should be having or should be wanting to have sex. but for jake, if he lived in an ideal world, he would have sex probably, honestly, twice or three times every day. so it's a bit frustrating for him to have had to "slow down" his sex drive to be with me. so he brought it up last night that he was done with depriving himself of sex for our sake, and that my turning down his advances made him feel unwanted and as though he were not sexy. he said that if i didn't want to have sex with him, he'd find someone who does and i would have to deal with it.

he was upset.

somewhat understandably. he said we could have an open relationship if i wanted. but i don't want that. i would be crazy, jealous and paranoid, thinking every night he wasn't with me he'd be with another guy, which i don't want because that's not a good basis for a healthy relationship. and i told him i agreed that it's not fair for him to have to deny himself what he wants just to be with me. we both love each other very much but we just need different things in a relationship. so we decided mutually to call it quits. as a gross misappropriation of T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men" attests:

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

and that's why i like(d) jake's and my relationship. we just talk things out and come to a decision through mutual understanding and respect. very usually when we "fought," it wasn't quite a fight but a heated discussion. i think that's good. and it's good that we can still be friends.

but this whole things raises some questions. a lot hinged on our relationship. my staying in philly after the first breakup was because of the job at giovanni's room, which has turned south. then jake and i got back together which became my primary motivation for staying on in philly. i have a job that i don't like, no boyfriend, two friends, one of whom lives at home with her parents most of the time and another who is graduating soon and is moving home to syracuse.

meanwhile, back in ohio, my whole family still lives here, cousins' kids are growing up, monica has christopher, bob and lindsay are going to have a kid, sara and samara are getting married. and i just sit on the other end of a phone and listen to all of these great things and wish i could be home to be a part of.

but on the other hand, i love philadelphia. i love living in the city. there's so much to do, so many interesting things. but then moving home would probably mean i'd end up getting a car, which means paying for gas, paying for insurance, feeling awful about driving again...

ugh. who knows? i still have six months on my lease, which i can't break because breaking leases is bad... so i have some time to think things over, but i do think coming home would be good for at least a little bit. plus it's cheaper rent, which is good.

we'll see. but in any case, that's my life right now, which is awesome.

You are a Social Liberal (90% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (0% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid.com: Free Online Dating Also : The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

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the older i get, the harder it is to remember why i was ever mad at anyone. it seems impossible to hold a grudge anymore, even if i were to want to.

i like anger, i do, but i no longer enjoy directing it toward petty nonissues or toward people in their faults and shortcomings. everyone is always struggling to better, or if not, then they're simply dumbstruck with the sweetness of being (to borrow joanna newsom's phrase, who is such an amazing artist).

jake and i had a bit of a row last night. these things happen. he thinks i should try to look better, wear clothes that are cute and fit correctly. i say i don't really care about that stuff and he calls me a hypocrite. i suppose it's true. everyone wants to look good, but i just can't imagine why. i don't want to do it intentionally either. i'm wearing this to impress you--not really my style. although i suppose wearing clothing that isn't two sizes too big anymore would make sense, and maybe that's all he means. i just cannot fathom buying clothes for the sole intent of making sure i look good to other people. but i don't think that's his argument.

nothing is very clear anymore. life is like the sky, usually a bit overcast, the light of the sun a bit hidden every now and again.

in any case, let it be. life is good because it's life. at least, that's the bourgeois notion that holds sway. if i were living in sierra leone, i might think a bit differently.

can never say for sure, except for that space that claims itself as mine. all this disparateness, vapid semblances of what composes me, formulaic approach to the self. am i making sense? most likely not.

work, sleep, eat, read, write, sleep, eat, stare blankly at the river.

good times were had by all.

king richard the third walked around thirty minutes after he had his head chopped off.

( . , .)

once again, all i can say is that some people i know are fucking nuts.

lots of people i know are very crazy. indeed.

i'm doing it again.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=robojerk

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=robojerk

so i just perused through the first two years of my livejournal account. i probably realized it at some point but i started it as soon as i moved to kent. i read each and every post of 2003 and 2004. what i discovered (and what several people will back me up on, and which makes me surprised they're still my friends) is that i was one pretentious asshole, especially around the time when i was writing poetry/theory stuff. i just finished reading the stuff about my creative writing class and all the people in it. how i said that they would be good writers if they just stopped watching TV, reading pop culture paperbacks, etc. (in other words, if they lived like ME, they'd be good writers).

it's really amazing how you can look back at yourself from just a few years ago and feel like that person is a complete stranger. that's kind of how i feel. i mean i still have, of course, the basic characteristics of that person, my previous self, but i (would like to think that i) have made progress as a person. i don't really make too many assumptions about individuals anymore, or maybe i'm just blind to it. but i feel like, though i by and large indict the culture in which we all live, i don't think i make those same indictments against particular people (unless it is very well deserved). it's like chomsky, who talks about differentiating between a monstrous institution and the individuals in that institution. like slavery, slavery as an institution is horrible, inherently inhuman, but individual slave-owners can be the nicest guys/girls you'll ever hope to meet.

anyway, i just thought i'd write about this a bit since i'm totally floored by all the self-incurred drama and all the intellectual self-flattery. it was such a farce. and now that i'm thinking of it, that was the time in my life when i was depressed all the time and thought i had social anxiety disorder. makes sense. i was creating a reality for myself that simply was not true and expecting myself as well as everyone else to live up to the parameters of that reality. i'm surprised i didn't go completely insane. it was unfair of me to do that not only to myself but to everyone i love.

lindsay, you are vindicated. ;)